Far out! The five time Pulitzer Prize winning online newspaper is back for its’ second year (the math makes sense) and is better than ever. This week we got a review of the week one action out of Sunday Funday and we got a special look at what goes on inside the insane mind of Pags. Without further adue, RRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.
Top Player of the Week:
It’s totally Julius Thomas right? Nah, because he did not play in a legit game. It is funny that when Sam has a monster game with a monster player, it is during his bye week. Maybe next week. Instead, it is Calvin Johnson, one of the Sons of Scotland. Johnson headed into the night with the result of the Britton/Pags game in his hand, and instead of making it interesting, he ended the game on the fourth play from scrimmage. Tear an ACL pal. I’m kidding, he is our only hope against Schmidt. I’m also kidding on that, I have a winning record against Schmidt. Not kidding on that. 28 points for Johnson, expect that consistently.
Surprise Player of the Week:
Ya, we understand that Tony Romo is bad, but the 49ers D/ST made him look like a mediocre QB. Oh wait, he is. Shots fired Sam. Yea, I picked a defense for surprise player of the week, that is because this week was awful.
Bonehead Bench Move of the Week:
Even though he won, Pags decided to start Deangelo Williams over Leveon Bell because he thought “Williams was emotionally motivated.” Yea, Bell seemed pretty emotionally motivated too with his 24 points, 17 more than Williams. Stick the numbers Pags. He still won, but he probably would’ve committed a felony on me if he had started Bell.
Bust of the Week:
Once again, Schmidt won, but Jamaal Charles putting up 2 points made me rethink that trade that Schmidt had with Pags. So far, Pags is winning out of that trade. Fred Jackson had more points than him, and the guy is like a century old.
POWER RANKINGS
We all know this is all you guys care about so I might as well get to it.
1. Sons of Scotland
SCUTLAND. Before I start, I know Sam is thinking right now, “I scored more points than him.” Did you win your game? Exactly. Anyway, Pags I mean Shamus Blackwood had a solid outing that puts him in the same exact place he was last year. The duo of Stafford and Johnson is so deadly, I had a nightmare about it last night. Thank God I dont play him again until Week 8. Honestly, Pags has duo upon duo; he’s got Johnson and Stafford along with Graham and Gronk. Don’t forget, he gets Andre Ellington back soon, so balls to the walls.
PREDICTED FINAL RECORD: 8-3
2. Dank Sinatra
What is more appropriate than explaining Sams team then with a lyric from Thunder Road, “You ain't a beauty but hey you’re alright.” I know everyone but Schmidt has heard that song… This is why we can't have nice things. But you’re welcome Sam, I related you to one of the greatest songs ever. In all seriousness, Sam actually looks good this year. The “but hey you’re alright” part literally relates to how we still can’t take him seriously after last years struggle. It is past him, and he is ready to take on the world with the entire Seahawks and Broncos offense. I don’t know what he is going to do when they have a bye oh wait a minute; THIS JUST IN: Dank Sinatra surrenders Week 4 to the Sons of Scotland. One loss won’t hurt this team. The curse of the Sam Wow is gone (and probably on my team now), he will head to the playoffs for the first time.
PREDICTED FINAL RECORD: 7-4
3. Schmidt Happens
Yes, I spelled your name without the retarded capital P. Honestly, your name couldve been the greatest thing ever, but you did what you did best and tried to hard. Anyway, Schmidt “schmidted” this week by playing the Eagles offense against the Jaguars… and it is funny cause he almost lost. Expect this a lot, as I got insight from Sam that this will probably be a season long thing. I expect him to break the record for most acquisitions. Yes, it is incredibly annoying, but it works, so let him be him and let him take The Hardware for a second straight year. Like seriously guys, get used to it. THIS IS WHY I BROUGHT BRANDON IN, SO THAT US FOUR WOULD JUST COMPETE EVENLY.
PREDICTED FINAL RECORD: 9-2
4. The Fellowship of the Ring
Ya, I was embarrassed to lose to Pags, but I don’t care, it happened last year too. I think Sam gave me “The Struggle” so I don’t expect much, but I expect to at least attempt to make the playoffs. Ima win eventually, but until then, I’m chilling.
PREDICTED FINAL RECORD: 6-4
5. Far Out!
Am I a fan? No, but San Fran my man! Yea, he set the record for lowest amount of points scored in league history, but geronimo! Yea, his wide receivers need help, but far out! However, he has potential with Forte/Lacy/Brees/Bernard, so kayabunga! That leads me to my final question, anyone wanna go to San Francisco?
PREDICTED FINAL RECORD: 5-6
PAGS CORNER
I’d like to start off this segment with a quote from out dear Commissioner.
“Oh dude the Giants Defense is sooooooooo good you don’t have a chance vs. Britton.”
Well mark you can suck a fat one. To address another issue both Britton and I changed our name. Britton changing his to The Fellowship of The Ring, because be didn’t want “batman to be associated with this joke of a team.” First off I’m offended, because getting beat by me was so shocking to him he had to change his name because of it. Guess my team was a push over in your eyes Britton. Secondly you changed your name so you wouldn’t associate a great FICTIONAL (Britton edits this; Batman is real) character with your team. Then you change your name so that it’s associated with a group of greater fictional (Britton again; the walk to mordor actually happened, look it up) characters, well done. Now more importantly my names change, some of you may be wondering Why Sons of Scotland? Why Braveheart? Well my response is because IM GOING TO TAKE MY MIGHTY GREAT SWORD AND SLICE THIS LEAGUE FROM NECK TO GROIN! Another little note when it comes to fantasy football my name is no longer The Punisher/ Marcus Pags it is now Shamus Blackwood.
I feel like I have talked about myself too much so I’ll change the subject. Graham, you had a lot of potential coming into this week. Starting off with a mammoth lead over Mark, but the with Thomas, Witten, and Fitz not performing you got crushed. Tough luck, and find a different hobby cuz you suck at this one.
One last thing, I was thoroughly shocked at how good Sammy did, so a nod and a wink to you good sir.
WEEK 2 PREDICTIONS
Dank Sinatra 102 Far Out! 92
Sons of Scotland 112 Schmidt Happens 104
Oh and by the way, the only legit rivalry in Sunday Funday returns Week 6… ITS THE THRILLA IN MANILLA V.
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