Every League Members WWE Finisher

So I am actually supposed to be writing an essay for AP Lang right now, but nah. This idea just came to me and its to cool to pass up.


1. Graham: The Hogan Leg Drop

So since Graham isnt the biggest WWE fan, I gave him the worst finisher of all time. Seriously, all Hogan does is drop a leg onto a guy. Heres a gif of the move.


2. Britton: The People's Elbow

If you're thinking that this is just a simple elbow drop, you are wrong. It is the most Electrifying Move in Sports Entertainment, coming straight from the people, delivered by the one and only people's champion. Here is a gif of the move.


3. Pags: The Brogue Kick

Naturally I give Pags the finisher of his favorite modern WWE wrester, Sheamus. A boot to the face hurts, and the way this irishman does it is absurdly awesome. Here is a gif of the move.


4. Mark: The F-5

Schmidt is Brock Lesnar. Here is a gif of the move.


5. Sam: The RKO

I don't even have to explain this. Here is a gif of the move.


6. Thacher: The Shooting Star Press

It is funny cause Thacher would never be able to pull this off. Here is a gif of the move.

Week 2 Recap

So as I sit here watching Schmidt, Pags, Sam and some other kid play Halo, while Proud Mary by the CCR plays, I realize why I do this. Nah, no deep stuff tonight. We’ll save that for when Graham contracts AIDS and reenacts the movie Philadelphia. One of my favorite movies by the way, probably cause the main character is gay, which I might be able to relate to. WWWHHHHHHAAAAAAATTTTT???? I love screwing with you guys about my sexuality. You’ll figure it out when you get my wedding invitation, depending on if what I am doing is legal yet. Ha, more screwing with your minds. So, Fantasy Football?

No, not Fantasy Football. Cause now it is 11 in the morning and I am no longer doing what I was doing last night. Sike, let's get this done, I got a lot of homework to do.

1. (3) [2-0] Hanibal's Cannibals

So for I think the second time in history, Sam has started 2-0. This week he defeated me (congrats), putting up 88 points, which was the least among winning teams. Still, a win is a win. Now, he is faced with the task of taking on Thacher, which should be an intriguing matchup. Another thing that is interesting? Sam's starting lineup. Rodgers makes sense, Carlos Hyde, sure, AP yes, and yea, AJ Green is starting to figure things out. Aside from that, its a pretty risky lineup. Sam is starting James Jones, a guy who is the definition of hit or miss. He had one catch last week for a TD, giving Sam 8 points; Terrance Williams, the Cowboys #1 receiver until Dez returns, is also without a legit QB.  Yet he still managed 14 points last week. Sam is playing the risk, and right now, I can't blame him, cause a 2-0 start is something I have never had. 

2. (2) [1-0-1] Warrior Poets

Pags is slowly developing the leagues most deadly team. After releasing massive cap burden Calvin Johnson, Pags has been able to free up enough cap space to acquire cheap weapons to use week by week. Along with the return of his first round pick Le'Veon Bell, Pags has one of the best running back sets in the league. One worry I see though is the production of Marshawn Lynch, who has struggled as of late, but should be able to get back on track soon enough. Overall, expect Pags to make a legit playoff run this year and make his second Championship game appearance.

3. (4) [1-0-1] Bill Swerski's Ditka Volcano

Graham was able to defeat Schmidt this week, a feat he found way too impressive considering how unlucky Schmidt has been. Either way, Graham has been able to muster solid points the first two weeks of the year. It is surprising, due to such a mediocre performance from his top pick Andrew Luck, who has struggled mightily early on. Help from his running backs and receiver Brandon Marshall has been key, but may not last long due to the fact that Graham FACES ME IN THE THRILLA IN MANILA THIS WEEK.

4. (1) [1-1] Wet Dreams About Winning

Does Thacher even read this?

5. (6) [0-2] Just Bend Over: Part III

Schmidts early struggles are not a good thing for us. Prediction: Schmidt goes 9-3 the rest of the way and wins his third title. Schmidt hasn't found any production from his young receivers, and is still trying to figure out who his QB for the season will be. Once he is settled in, he'll be raising hell, and that starts this week against Pags. Also, Schmidt will win 4 titles in the next 10 years.

6. (5) [0-2] The People's Elbow

I was sorting things out the last two weeks. BUT NOT THIS WEEK BROTHER. CAUSE IM LOOKING AT YOU GRAHAM, YOU ALCOHOLIC SON OF A BITCH. LOOK AT ME WHEN I SPEAK TO YOU. I AM GOING TO LEGITIMATELY DESTROY YOU THIS WEEK. YOU KNOW WHAT IS FUNNY? YOU NEVER WINNING A THRILLA IN MANILA. I SLEEP WITH THE TROPHY, DO YOU REALIZE THAT? Here comes the pain train.

Week 3 Predictions:

Britton hits three People's Elbows to beat Graham.

Sam hits the RKO on Thacher, but Thacher kicks out. Sam resorts to a Punt to put him away.

Pags goes for the Brogue Kick. Schmidt dodges it, goes full Brock Lesnar and hits the F-5 for the victory.

Week One Recap

I can not be any happier right now. Fantasy Football is back, meaning I can finally try to be good at Fantasy Football because I am really tanking at this High School Football thing. Back to Fantasy. Week 1 was undoubtedly the craziest opening week this league has ever had. Well, maybe not, cause “Hail Branchez” in 2013 was pretty crazy too. But let me just “recap” (get it?) what happened.

• Sam defeated Schmidt for the first time in league history. He is now 1-7 against the 2x defending champ.
• Pags and Graham played to the league's first tie of all time.   
• I continued my streak of never winning on opening week.
• Thacher is the real deal.

So naturally, I have nothing else to do right now, so let’s go straight to the Power Rankings.

1. [1-0] Wet Dreams About Winning

It appears as if taking Tom Brady is paying off for the league’s newest member. Brady is not the only gem that Thacher seemed to reveal, as he had a total of four players go over 20 points this week (one bench player). Along with that stat, 8/15 of his players reached double digit points this week, which is of course the reason he owned the highest point total from this week. Thacher faces problems though this coming week, as two of his starters will be out of action, but with the depth he has (Ameer Abdullah and DeAndre Hopkins), he shouldn’t have to worry too much against Pags and his Warrior Poets.

2. [0-0-1] Warrior Poets

So the White Tiger was unable to pull off a Week 1 victory, but still is downright in the hunt for the title. The Bearded Wonder has one of the deadliest starting lineups in the league, as five of his starters were able to put up double digit points. And once first round pick Le'Veon Bell returns, there is no stopping this man. The Fighter from Scotland faces two problems though; little to no cap room and a very weak bench. Hopefully he will be able to resolve those issues in the coming weeks so he can make a legitimate push for the title.

3. [1-0] Hanibal’s Cannibals

Even though Sam pulled off his first win against a Schmidt led team, it was almost a gimme, since Schmidt laid an egg and put up 68 points. Sam though still looks very impressive, as he has uncovered a diamond in RB Carlos Hyde. You’re. Welcome. Hyde is undoubtedly the future of Sam’s team, and will probably be a major part of it for the better part of a decade. Sam is clearly in agreeance with this, telling me that “You can run, but you can’t Hyde.” He said it like 14 times today, it is already getting old. After that though, Sam needs a little work. Outside of QB Aaron Rodgers and TE Jimmy Graham, Sammy G struggled to get any production from other players. High salary players such as Adrian Peterson and AJ Green flopped, which may point to signs of Sammy G clearing up space in order to have more affordable, reliable players.

Wait a minute. OH MY GOD. WATCH OUT WATCH OUT WATCH OUT!!! RKO OUT OF NOWHERE.

4. [0-0-1] Bill Swerski’s Ditka Volcano

Even though is game ended in the league’s first ever tie, Graham is looking like a legitimate threat this season. With a core that includes Andrew Luck, Demaryius Thomas and CJ Anderson, Graham has a solid building block to work with. Graham also houses one of the oldest teams in the league, with five players over the age of 30. Also, he was forced to rely heavily on Matt Forte’s 22 points along with 18 points from the Seahawks D/ST. That is not always going to happen, so Graham may need to make a few little tweaks in order to finally make a major push for a title.

5. [0-1] The People’s Elbow

The People’s Champ was unable to capitalize off the Most Electrifying Move in Entertainment, as Thacher was able to kick out at two and a half and win the battle. Have no fear though, because the youngest and least expensive team in the league is already in possession of the top two tight ends, and has plenty of potential rounding out his starting lineup. With the return of Gurley and hopefully an answer at QB, The People’s Champ may make a surprise run towards the playoffs. Things may go south though, as the risk with such young players is high. Either way, the future is bright, but the next 13 weeks may not be.

6. [0-1] Just Bend Over: Part III

So it was Schmidt who got raped this week… Ha. I mean 68 points from the defending champ is kind of sad, along with the fact that his kicker only managed -1 point. No but seriously, lock your doors and protect the women and children, because in about three weeks time, Schmidt will be on top of this league. I can just tell. Even Schmidt himself said, “I’ve got a weird feeling about this season, but I like it.” Cold words from a cold man.

Week 2 Predictions:

The People’s Elbow puts Sammy G down for the three count… for now.

The Warrior Poets give Wet Dreams About Winning a pretty weird nightmare.

Schmidt just absolutely rapes Graham.

Oh yea. I might be playing Sam this week, but that doesn’t stop me from realizing the greatest rivalry in league history returns Week 3. It’s gonna be a killa and a thrilla and a chilla, when I get that gorilla in Manila. It’s on Graham.

You think I’m done Graham? Yea… Yea… well I’m not! Cause you know what I was reading today? Yea… I was reading YESTERDAY'S NEWS! Yea… that’s what you are Littell, because comparatively speaking to the Macho Man Randy Savage you are nothing but garbage yea… nothing but garbage… You think you’re a tough guy yea… BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING LITTELL… I’m the cream of the crop yea… and the cream always RISES TO THE TOP. Comparatively speaking you are a single grain of sand in the Sahara Desert yea… because I am the best there is, past, present and future… OOOHHH YYYYEEEEEAAAAAA.

No Schmidt-Seline

Oh ya, fuck you Schmidt.

Got damn, I'm glad Schmidt set it off.

Used to be hard, now you're just wet and soft.

First you was down with the AK,

and now I see you on a video with Michel'le?

Lookin' like straight bozo.

I saw it comin', that's why I went solo.

And kept on stompin',

when ya'll mothafucker moved straight outta Darien.

Livin' with the whites, one big house,

and not another nigga in site.

I started off with too much cargo,

dropped Schmidts niggas now I'm makin' all the dough.

White man just rulin'.

Just Bend Over: Part III -- who ya foolin'?

Ya'll nigga just phony,

I put that on my mama and my dead homeys.

Yella Boy's on your team, so you're losin';

Ay yo Schmidt, stick to Schmidting.

Callin' me Arnold, but you Been-a-dick;

saw your ass and went in it quick.

You got jealous when I got my own company,

but I'm a man, and ain't nobody helpin' me.

Tryin' to sound like The People’s Elbow Most,

you could yell all day but you don't come close.

Cuz you know I'm the one that flown,

ya done run 100 miles, but you still got one to go.

With the L-E-N-C-H M-O-B, and ya'll disgrace the C-P-T.

Cuz you're gettin' fucked out your green by a white boy,

with no vaseline...

A Response to Schmidt's Team Name (From Pags)

Fuck You Schmidt

Right about now NWA court is in full effect.

Judge Britton presiding in the case of Sunday Funday versus the Mark Schmidt.

Prosecuting attorneys are Pags, Sam and Graham muthafuckin L.

Order order order. Pags take the muthafuckin stand.

Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth

and nothin but the truth so help your black ass?

Why don't you tell everybody what the fuck you gotta say?

Fuck you Schmidt

Comin straight from the underground

Young nigga got it bad 'cause I'm brown

And not the other color so Mark thinks

He has the authority to kill a minority

Fuck that shit, 'cause I ain't tha one

For a punk muthafucka with a badge and a gun

To be beatin on, and throwin in jail

We could go toe to toe in the middle of a cell

And when I'm finished, bring the yellow tape

To tape off the scene of the slaughter

Still gettin' swoll off bread and water

Pags will swarm

On any muthafucka in a blue uniform

Just 'cause I'm from the CPT, punk mark is afraid of me

A young nigga on a warpath

And when I'm finished, it's gonna be a bloodbath

Yo Britton, I got somethin to say

Fuck you Schmidt

Sam, will you please give your testimony to the jury about this fucked up incident.

Fuck Schmidt and Sam said it with authority

because the niggaz on the street is a majority.

A gang, is with whoever I'm stepping

and the motherfuckin' weapon

is kept in a stash box, for the so-called law

wishin' Sam was a nigga that they never saw

Lights start flashin behind me

But they're scared of a nigga so they mace me to blind me

But that shit don't work, I just laugh

Because it gives em a hint not to step in my path

To Mark I'm sayin fuck you punk

Readin my rights and shit, it's all junk

Make ya think I'm a kick your ass

But drop your gat, and Sams gonna blast

I'm sneaky as fuck when it comes to crime

But I'm a smoke em now, and not next time

Imma muthafuckin villian that's mad

With potential to get bad as fuck

A nigga like Sam don't give a fuck to say

Fuck you Schmidt

Graham tell the jury how you feel abou this bullshit.

They put up my picture with silence

'cause my identity by itself causes violence

The G with the criminal behavior

Yeah, I'm a gansta, but still I got flavor

Without a gun and a badge, what do ya got?

A sucka in a uniform waitin to get shot,

By me, or another nigga.

and with a gat it don't matter if he's smarter or bigger

And as you all know, G's here to rule

Whenever I'm rollin, keep lookin in the mirror

And there's no cue, yo, so I can hear a

Dumb muthafucka with a gun

And if I'm rollin off the 8, he'll be tha one

That I take out, and then get away

And while I'm drivin off laughin

This is what I'll say

Fuck you Schmidt

The jury has found you guilty of bein an asshole with

a shitty fantasy football name

Wait, that's a lie. That's a goddamn lie.

I want justice! I want justice!

Fuck you, you black muthafucka!